The weeks between the end of the extended school year and the start of the new school year have dragged on tediously, but this last week has been the worst. I think about a week ago, Ryan accidentally ingested some wheat, and the regression and tantrums of the last few days can be chalked up to wheat withdrawal. Maybe it happened at the restaurant, maybe I wasn't careful enough cleaning my kitchen counter, but the heartbreak is that he didn't even get to experience the pleasure of a bagel or good bread or pizza - he got poisoned while ostensibly eating this wheat-free crap.
Even knowing there's a reason for the behavior, and therefore an end in sight, I'm still going nuts. There are only so many hours per day I can be a good mother. The frequent meltdowns chip away at me until I feel like I'm about to snap, and then I look at the clock and realize it's not even lunch time yet. And our weeks of potty training success are flying out the window this week - he peed on my favorite chair twice this morning.
I plan outings for us, but I get bored with the routine: arrive by opening time, monitor Ryan to see when he's had enough, allow for down-time in the car (or maybe he'll even nap, but that's a long shot), do something physical in the afternoon, be home by dinner time (because you can't just pick up wheat-free food he'll eat on any corner). And I only have so many good ideas for rainy days, and goodness knows there have been enough of those lately.
This is the last week of summer vacation, and I'm both relieved and saddened. He will be in school every day til 2pm, and the bus will drop him off around 3pm; I worry that that's too long a day for him. I worry that an hour each way is far too much time on the bus, so I'll probably end up driving him every morning. I worry how he'll act when he gets home - I imagine a solid hour of talking to himself and passing things in front of his eyes to try to re-enter his comfort zone. And I suppose I'll miss him a little. But I so won't miss these constant tantrums.
I'm putting out feelers looking for jobs I can do during the school day, but I'm skeptical about finding theater-related work that fits our schedule. I worry that the gap in my resume will be off-putting to employers, even though I know I'm more organized, more confident, and more empathetic than I was four years ago.
Mostly, though, I'm having vivid fantasies of what I'm going to do on Thursday at 8:05 after Ryan gets on the bus. I can go to the chiropractor, get my hair cut for the first time in months, put in some time at the gym, clean my house, take a walk. Breathe.