Sunday, May 10, 2015

What I want for Mother's Day

For Mother's Day, leave me the fuck alone.

I don't want to hear your sound effects. The oinking. The chirping. The semi-Yiddish throat-clearing sound. Just shut up for a while.

And the whining - cut that crap out.

Don't make me brace myself for impact as you throw yourself at me at full speed while holding scissors or a rake.

For fuck's sake, don't freak out because you can't accurately replicate in real life whatever SpongeBob did in a cartoon.

And don't wake me up by busting through my bedroom door shrieking that you "can not find" a video on the iPad.* I have clearly explained numerous times that our first-generation iPad is so obsolete it no longer supports YouTube. Get over it.

If you love me, just let me disappear for a couple of hours. I promise I'll be a much nicer mommy when I come back.

* This actually happened Mother's Day morning.

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