For Mother's Day, leave me the fuck alone.
I don't want to hear your sound effects. The oinking. The chirping. The semi-Yiddish throat-clearing sound. Just shut up for a while.
And the whining - cut that crap out.
Don't make me brace myself for impact as you throw yourself at me at full speed while holding scissors or a rake.
For fuck's sake, don't freak out because you can't accurately replicate in real life whatever SpongeBob did in a cartoon.
And don't wake me up by busting through my bedroom door shrieking that you "can not find" a video on the iPad.* I have clearly explained numerous times that our first-generation iPad is so obsolete it no longer supports YouTube. Get over it.
If you love me, just let me disappear for a couple of hours. I promise I'll be a much nicer mommy when I come back.
* This actually happened Mother's Day morning.